Saturday, March 27, 2010

With the stroke of a pen last Tuesday, His Holiness The ObaMessiah dealt a crippling blow to Canadian national identity. For decades, most Canadians have answered the question “What is a Canadian?” with the obtuse reply, “We’re not Americans.” Inevitable prompts for a more substantial and less sophomoric explanation were almost always met with the equally insipid “Um…we have national healthcare”, as if their embrace of socialized medicine was somehow unique in the Western world. Taken literally, the standard by which many Canadians blithely define their national character could be aptly applied to Australians, Danes, or Mexicans. Such has been the existential crux of Canadian identity for a generation: a nation defined first by what it is not, then by the sacred cow of a welfare social program their reviled neighbors have only partially adopted. Now that His Holiness has set the wheels in motion for a gradual implementation of universal healthcare in America, Canadians will be forced to come up with another answer to the age-old question. Sure, “We’re not Americans” is still factually true of Canadians, but neither are they Brazilians, nor Klingons, nor Hobbits. The corollary is the key; if Canadians are to persist on pitting their identity on some socialist handout their cousins do not provide, then they must up the ante and devise a bold new welfare program to tout. How about Universal Housing, or Universal Food Provisions, or a guaranteed living wage for all citizens? Any of these initiatives would quell the looming identity crisis nicely.

With that same historic pen stroke, His Holiness also implicitly recognized the sovereignty of Imaginationland. By enacting sweeping universal healthcare reform legislation to cover 32 million people, reduce deficits, lower costs, and maintain a world class standard of care without the threat of rationing, fantasy has officially become reality. Of course, this obviously settles the case of Cartman v. Broflovski. It also poses a grave new threat to personal security. Sure, passing the Senate healthcare bill means that we as a nation now believe that unicorns and leprechauns are real, but then so are zombies and vampires. I don’t have nearly enough ammo to fight them off. Plus, like many of you, my house is frame-constructed, not brick, so zombies could just claw through the walls if they were so inclined. In short, we’re all fucked.

All hail His Holiness The ObaMessiah. Praise be unto Him.