Sunday, February 19, 2006

Yes, I’ve been watching the Olympics

Let me just say upfront that I believe I’ve firmly established my reverence for all things American. That said, I think I have license to offer some criticism of the public’s expectations of the US team in Torino without sounding like a rabid America-bashing foreigner. So, let’s begin…

What the hell is your problem, America?! All I’ve been hearing about is how the US team isn’t doing so well, how they’ve had a tough week, how their stars aren’t rising to the challenge, etc, etc, etc. Do you need reminding that the Americans have led the pack from the outset with the most gold medals? That they're in the top 3 for most medals won overall? Is that not good enough?

So, who are you lagging that’s got you so upset you’re crying in your beer? Norway and Russia? Helloooo…it’s the Winter Olympics, ‘tards! Last I checked, Norway and Russia were very wintery countries. Is it beyond the realm of possibility that nations with land masses inside the Arctic Circle would produce world-class athletes in such wintery sports as ski jumping and the biathlon? Is it really inconceivable that Vladimir Vladimirkov from HellHole, Siberia is better at winter sports than Chad BeachBum from Southern Cal? Please...

What? You’re disappointed with your star athletes? Like who, Apolo Anton Ohno and Bode Miller? Ohno stumbled in the 500m Short Track semis. So fucking what? He won gold in Salt Lake after tripping a Korean skater. What goes around comes around. It’s called karma. Get over it. Bode straddled a gate on the combined slalom run and got disqualified? Big fucking deal. Here’s a little secret: Bode’s a pompous, loudmouth prick. If he spent less time boozing and more time skiing he might have won. Alas, he chose Jose Cuervo Gold over Olympic Gold instead. Suck it up, America. Aren’t you at least happy that underdog Ted Ligety mounted a huge comeback to win the event? Judging from all the whining in US press, I’d say not. Poor Bode didn’t get his medal. Boo-fucking-hoo!

Everyone is so down on the "lacklustre" American performance that the press has starting reporting on salacious back-stories to divert the public’s attention away from the sporting results. On Thursday morning the news resorted to uncovering the burning question of this Olympic season: Is US skater Johnny Weir a homosexual? Johnny Queer...I mean Weir, won’t say, but I think his effeminate lilt, his Chanel sunglasses, his Fendi scarf, and his Louis Vuitton “man purse” do the talking for him. Still, the press is enraptured by the mystery. To Johnny's credit, he says his sexual orientation is irrelevant. That's true, but hey, he’s a male figure skater! That means there’s a 97% chance he goes for Brokeback. Get a clue, people!

Ok, that’s off my chest. Now I can go back to watching women’s curling on CNBC. We’re cool, right America? Still friends?

6 Comments:

At 2/19/2006 2:39 PM, Anonymous Canuckguy said...

You can get yourself deported for such outbursts, funny as it is. Exile to Baffin Island if I had my way, you Canuck Basher.

 
At 2/20/2006 8:28 AM, Blogger BACdanielle said...

Funny stuff, Ace! For the record, I think the American snowboard-cross guy is hott. He won gold! I agree Johnny (Q)Weir is a total Brokeback.

 
At 2/20/2006 4:46 PM, Blogger azgopbabeval said...

I am honestly laughing so hard right now, and yes, I completely agree with your statements!

 
At 2/22/2006 2:07 PM, Blogger Eddie said...

Honestly Ace, most Americans care far more about the summer olympics than we do the winter olympics.

When does olympic basketball start again, 2008?

 
At 2/23/2006 9:26 AM, Blogger azgopbabeval said...

I think I disagree with Eddie.
I equally don't care about them both! But if I had to choose, obviously curling & skiing are FAR better than floor routines.

 
At 2/23/2006 9:52 AM, Blogger Ace said...

Basketball? Ugh. There's a sport I could never get into.

Curling is getting so much attention this year. I'm shocked.

 

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