Friday, July 22, 2005

This is Team USA diver Chelsea Davis attempting the first ever “Reverse Louganis Double Pike Face Plant” at the World Aquatic Championships in Montreal.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

You can lead a bum to water, but you can't make him drink...

There was a blaring headline on the newswires this morning. “Relentless Heat in Phoenix Kills 18 Homeless”. Not to seem like I’m picking on bums, but there’s a limit to the amount of compassion I have for the plight of these crispy homeless folk. Here’s why:

1) Uh…it’s Phoenix, Retards. The heat is relentless from May to October. If they didn’t know this already, I can only assume these people are in fact alien vagabonds who just crash landed on Earth.

2) Presuming they are not extraterrestrial migrants, what possessed them to squat in Phoenix in the summertime, knowing full well that it’s one of the hottest locales in the country? (On that same token, why do some homeless insist on staying in Winnipeg in the dead of winter?)

3) Vagrancy and loitering laws aside, were these people so devoid of basic survival skills that they couldn’t camp out at Wal-Mart, or some equally cavernous retail outlet, or possibly the public library, where they could wander for hours and take advantage of the free-flowing water fountains and comfy air conditioning?

4) Where are all the bleeding heart humanitarians that staff the food kitchens and homeless shelters? Did they not kick off the summer season with a stern warning of the impending bake? You know, something like:
”Hey Bums, it’s gettin’ hot out! Don’t leave the shelter without some sunscreen and a jug of water. And for Christ’s Sake, take off those bulky wool shirts you been wearing since Christmas!”
Did the bums heed the warning? Presumably, the answer is no.

5) As the temperatures rose steadily at a record-breaking pace through July, at what point did the bums say to themselves, “Damn, I ain’t feelin’ so good. Time to get me some water.” If that thought did cross their minds, what was it that prevented them from hydrating themselves properly, given the ample sources of free water at the aforementioned freeloader hangouts?

These are just a few of the thoughts that spring immediately to mind. I know, I’m just waiting for the “You heartless bastard!” replies. At some point, though, don’t you think compassion should take a backseat to reason for a moment or two? Do the works of Charles Darwin, or perhaps Thomas Malthus, ring a bell for anyone?

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

NEWS FLASH>> Tokyo Politician Sued for Insulting French Language

I'm not an attorney, but I think the Governor could probably countersue those touchy Frogs for polluting the air with their noxious B.O.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

In case you get steamrolled by all the African Aid and Global Warming spin coming out of the G-8 Summit in Scotland, here's a pair of must-read commentaries to keep things in perspective: Rosemary Righter assails Britain's bankrupt environmental policy, and James Glassman links African poverty to the Kyoto Treaty travesty.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

It's not everyday that a convicted serial killer is set free...

After 12 years in a Quebec penitentiary, Karla Homolka, beneficiary of the sweetest of sweetheart plea deals in modern criminal history, is now a free woman, despite orchestrating the rape, torture, murder, and dismemberment of two Ontario schoolgirls, as well as the rape and murder of her own sister. I won't relay the details, suffice it to say they are particularly heinous and gruesome.

Are there any bookies taking bets on when Karla will be knocked off?