Monday, October 27, 2003

Oh, where to begin…

I’m overjoyed that the Middle East turbulence is finally coming to an end. Who could have guessed that all it would take to erase decades of violence and ingrained hatred is a secret peace junket by Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. As I heard the happy news, I was overcome with feelings of glee.

“Peace in the Middle East!”, I cried out, stunned by the announcement. From my window I could hear my neighbors, sharing the moment:

Oh, what a glorious day! Thank you, Hollywood Superstars! Thank you!

Forget the Oscar hunt, Brad and Jenn. Here’s to next year’s Nobel Peace Prize!

People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive? No, no, Brad Pitt’s the Messiah, I tell you. The Messiah!

Then again, maybe I shouldn’t get my hopes up. As one Israeli academic noted when informed of Hollywood’s plan to host a colossal kumbaya love-fest in the West Bank: “…this is an incredibly complex situation and I am afraid they are naïve.”

That, Professor, is the epitome of understatement indeed.


Wednesday, October 22, 2003

This is shaping up to be a great week for Darwin Award nominations. First, a man of questionable intelligence/sanity decided to take a dip in the Niagara River, precipitating his nearly fatal plunge over the Falls. Then, the starting kicker for the Jacksonville Jaguars came dangerously close to severing his own leg with an ax.

Priceless, just priceless...

Liza Minnelli beat David Gest in a drunken tirade? That's nothin'! Did you see his bizarre attempts to suck-face with her during their televised wedding vows? Lord, that was the most awkward kiss since Al's manhandling of Tipper Gore at the 2000 Democratic Convention.

Somehow I doubt David's desparate assertion; Given all the delicate plastic surgery he's had, wouldn't a well-placed sock to the snout split his face wide open like an overly taut drum?

Monday, October 20, 2003

I’ve got to congratulate the guys at RealClearPolitics.com for making another great point. It seems that the uber-liberal, eco-crusading darling Howard Dean is the owner of not one, but two SUV’s. In an interview with Grist magazine, Gov. Dean rationalizes his choice of vehicles with the tired canard of needing the extra space to taxi his 2 children around town.

Once again, though, this liberal gets a pass from the environmental evangelists, and for good reason. As everyone knows, only SUV’s owned and operated by registered Republicans guzzle gas. The others are actually powered by magically pixie dust that turns carbon monoxide emissions into fresh air, combats global warning, and seals ozone holes!

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

Race too Close to Call

That was the headline gracing several articles from the online newspapers and wire services yesterday morning as Californians headed to the polls. Judging from the nearly final vote count, nothing could be further from reality. Davis was recalled by a 10-point margin, and Arnold bitch-slapped Cruz, garnering nearly 50% of the vote in the process, in a 135 candidate race, no less!

So, was the press innocently and obliviously waaaaayyy off base with their “too close” angle? Or, was this just a case of wishful thinking by a liberal dominated press corps, which swallowed its own bunk that Davis was gaining steam in the dying days of the campaign, and that Arnold was severely hamstrung by the LA Times hit pieces? I’m inclined to accept the latter.

Monday, October 06, 2003

I just have to say this before the Arnold express rolls into Sacramento. There's been a "Big Lie" throughout his campaign that nobody seems to have the 'nads to address: Maria Shriver looks freakish. Contrary to all the press coverage referring to her as Arnold's "beautiful" wife, she is anything but. She looks like something people put in front of the house to scare neighborhood children for Hallowe'en.

There, I've said it. Now vote for Arnold.

Friday, October 03, 2003

Watching the news coverage of the California election this past week conjures up an old memory of a satirical piece I once read called Strategy and Tactics for Debating with Conservatives. Under the heading "Desperate Manuveurs", there was the following nugget:

If you are losing a contest to a conservative rival, abandon your line of argument and refocus your attack. Accuse your opponent of embarrassing hypocrisy or transgressions in his past. If that does not work, associate him/her with Hitler.

Who knew this actually made it into the Democratic Party playbook?