Friday, June 13, 2003

Here’s a great example of someone who’s ripe for a recall, and I’m not talking about Gray Davis.

A backbench liberal politician in Ontario has proposed a piece of legislation called “An Act to Ban Dwarf Tossing”. This waste of paper was prompted by a dwarf tossing contest at a strip club in the Honorable Member’s Windsor riding. Of course, if dwarves were being hurling across the brass rails against their will, no legislative solution is required; the act would, in and of itself, be sufficient to bring assault and battery charges against the hurlers. (Do the buxom ladies of “Le Club Strip” do the tossing, or are these contests only for bouncers? Just wondering…) In this case, though, there is a distinction between what constitutes dwarf tossing and what is actually an assault. The dwarf in question wants to be tossed. You see, the strip club is paying for his services.

Why is the whiny liberal drone from Windsor drafting legislation to keep diminutive men from earning booze money? Because she believes it’s wrong to perpetuate negative stereotypes of short people as wrestlers and circus freaks. She believes her constituents are incapable of understanding that dwarves are humans, not trained performance beasts like Mr. Ed and the dog from Frasier. Ergo, the peoples’ brains are wobbly and badly in need of repair, and that sort of mind control demands corrective legislation, damn it!

The PC garbage aside, the bill’s redundancy reminds me of an hour I spent on one boring afternoon, leafing through my old roommate’s copy of the Canadian Criminal Code. In it, I found, to my surprise, that the Code explicitly bans “dueling”. The act of challenging another idiot to a death match is by definition idiotic. A ratified article of law expressly banning the practice is equally so. As a death match, the ultimate outcome of a duel is predetermined: the idiot with the worst aim will die at the hands of the idiot with the best aim. The former idiot will spend the rest of eternity in a pine box or decorative urn, while the latter idiot will be incarcerated for between 10 to 20 years (this is Canada, after all. Even murderers get ample parole). There is no 5 or 10 year kicker added to a murder sentence if said act occurred as a result of a duel. So, why the extra law banning the duel in the first place?

Those who practice the art of redundancy, like the dwarf obsessed pol, have no business representing anyone. The good people of Windsor, Ontario are hard working, blue-collar folk, some of whom, I’m sure, have attended a dwarf tossing or two at a local nudie bar to wind down after a long week at the Ford plant. It’s a shame their union leadership funnels their dues money to socialist candidates with nothing better to do than conjure up new ways to be useless.

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